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mayhemvisuals

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A story about loving, not about being in love [Fri Apr / 2:50am]
[ mood | heavy heavy so heavy ]

if it makes you less sad, i will speak to you.
if it makes you less sad, i will speak to you.
if it makes you less sad, i will speak to you.
now & always & tomorrow & whenever.

i will speak to you, although i should not know how to speak anymore.



MCMLXXXIV. on that day no bird dared to sing.

Tell me that we will never get tired of this world & get tired of each other & get tired of our love & our eyes & our happiness. Tell me that we will not treat each other like a map, tell me that we are each other's final destination, not a route to the goal. You mine & I yours. Do not describe your feelings, do not tell me how much you love me, do not explain your world to me with words that do not have a meaning or a purpose. Let me see your feelings on your face, let me be in your world, let me be in the infinite love with you so we would not have to say I really love you anymore. Let the birds sing for us, my darling.

if it makes you less sad, i will love you.
if it makes you less sad, i will love you.
now & always & tomorrow & whenever.

i will love you, although i do not know how to love you.



MCMXCIV. there is no final destination, if you have bought a return ticket.

When you said I am beautiful, I believed in you. It was the first ever when I took anyone’s compliment. You used words, letters, dots, symbols to describe your feelings, but I fell in love with your words again, once more, maybe I never ceased loving them. I have always tried to escape from words which people use to portray their feelings and thoughts again, once more, forever and I have never gotten that far in the world where they would not be needed anymore. Words can lie & shatter a human being (me) into pieces. They have a power that everyone aspires after yet no one would be able to control it.

I believed in your words every time you uttered them. I fell in love with your combination of letters long time ago and I have never ceased loving them even for a moment (perhaps for a few minutes). But I request,

do not take your words along to our love. A boat has only seats for two. And I would want to row with you, not with your words, to Zanzibar.

if it makes you less sad, i will stay with you.
if it makes you less sad, i will stay with you.
now & always & tomorrow & whenever.

i will stay with you, although i am already someplace other.



MCMXCIX. we are a city and we light up everything surrounding us.

I have begun to think too much, to ponder the past & the future, although neither owns any meaning today. When I was maybe six or seven, maybe even ten, I sat under the blooming sky in our garden and listened to my mother explaining about my tomorrow and next ten years. I did not understand. I did not understand then, I do not understand now neither will I understand tomorrow. I desired only to hear your words at that moment, I wanted to wash myself with your letters, I wanted to create a new me for you with your unbreakable symbols, make a more and more beautiful world with your words. And you said everything is fine, I love you for the first and the last time.

Exactly on that moment, you & I ended up in love together. And there we have been for all these years, only by ourselves.

And still I feel like I am traveling alone in our world.

if it makes you less sad, i will draw your name into the stars.
if it makes you less sad, i will draw your name into the stars.
now & always & tomorrow & whenever.

i will draw your name into the stars, although i do not remember your name anymore.



MMI. it is pointless to live in tomorrow because you can never be sure about today.

I remember every single name of people who I have kissed. I remember every single name of people who I have loved. I remember every single name of people with whom I have been in love. I remember every single name of people who have made me happy.

It is hard to forget one single name. I know how it feels when only one name moves around in your mind again and once more & when you try to pronounce that one particular name more and more perfectly & when you notice that you do not remember your own name anymore & when only a mentioning of the name awakens up those rare sensations in your lungs cells heart liver collarbones & when the only thing you can write is that one name.

Someone said it’s called loving but not necessary being in love with someone.

if it makes you less sad, i will smile.
if it makes you less sad, i will smile.
now & always & tomorrow & whenever.

i smile to you, although i have ceased to smile ages ago.



MMVI. now & always & tomorrow & whenever is same as never.

You had the power to control words, their purpose and magic. For years I envied you so much, how you managed to get words real & meaningful, I always wanted to learn to use words the same way as you did. You wrote a sequel to my story, you made a love story where I & you laughed together, loved and told stories to each other.

However, you forgot to write the ending and I ended up writing the final chapter to our story which had suddenly became my love story, not ours. When I read the invisible words hidden between the lines, when I read letters written by you, I understood what my mother was trying to tell me when I was a child, I understood that you had replaced yourself with something else to keep me whole and less sad, I understood everything that was veiled behind the words.

You wrote me a love story when you & I were kids, you were barely able to scribble words, letters, dots, commas, but you wished to make us stronger, you wanted to make me stronger, because someone, god-like human beings, reveled the world that the last years of my life have been decided, the last days are written down & my mother kept asking the god-like people how long how long tell me even an estimation? Your love story was planned to be a story about two people who loved each other, not about two people being in love with each other. You changed the plot of our story for my sake so that I would be less sad and I was. Now it was my turn to do the same for you.

if it will make you less sad, i will change the direction of our story.
now.

i loved you.
but i was not in love with you.

MMVIII. a happy ending for those who can change what they want for someone else's sake.




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